In many cultures, emotions—especially the vulnerable ones—are seen as signs of weakness. The message is often subtle but clear: Don’t cry. Don’t complain. Toughen up. Get over it. Expressing pain, sadness, or even deep love may have been met with silence, discomfort, or even shame. For many of us, this emotional minimization became a survival strategy. We learned to “suck it up,” suppress our feelings, and keep going.

But what happens when these deeply embedded cultural beliefs about emotions follow us into our most intimate relationships?

According to Dr. Sue Johnson, the founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), suppressing core emotions can be one of the most significant barriers to connection and security in our relationships. EFT emphasizes that strong, lasting bonds are built not on constant harmony or surface-level communication, but on emotional accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement. In other words: our ability to be real with each other emotionally.

The Cost of Toughness in Relationships

When we’ve been taught that emotions are unsafe or shameful, we tend to stay on the surface. Conversations become transactional—about schedules, logistics, or minor irritations—without ever touching the deeper emotional currents underneath. This emotional distancing can create loneliness even in committed relationships. Partners begin to ask: Do you see me? Can I really count on you? Do you even know how I feel?

Underneath many relational conflicts are not simply unmet expectations, but unmet attachment needs—a longing for closeness, validation, and emotional safety. But if we’ve been raised to see these longings as burdens or liabilities, we may bury them even from ourselves. This internalized emotional self-denial can lead to patterns of blame, withdrawal, or resentment.

Relearning the Language of Emotion

EFT offers a way back—a structured, compassionate approach to reconnecting with our primary emotions (fear, sadness, hurt, longing) and sharing them with our partners in ways that invite closeness, not conflict.

Through EFT, we learn to:

• Move beyond surface behaviors to explore what’s really happening emotionally.
• Name and validate core emotions, even when they feel uncomfortable.
• Express vulnerability, not as weakness, but as a bridge to deeper intimacy.
• Hear our partner’s emotions without defensiveness, offering comfort and reassurance instead.

This is particularly powerful in culturally diverse relationships, where differing norms around emotional expression can create confusion or misunderstandings. One partner’s silence might be misread as disinterest, while another’s emotional openness might be seen as overwhelming. EFT helps couples understand each other’s emotional roadmaps, bridging those cultural gaps with empathy.

Toward a More Secure Bond

The goal isn’t to become emotionally fluent overnight. It’s about creating a secure emotional bond, where both partners feel:

• Seen and known for who they really are.
• Safe to express needs and emotions without fear of rejection or ridicule.
• Connected through shared vulnerability, not masked perfection.

As Johnson writes, “We are never so secure that we do not need the comfort of a loving connection.”

For those of us who have been emotionally sidelined by our upbringing, stepping into vulnerability may feel foreign—even risky. But in the context of a loving, secure partnership, it can be the most courageous and transformative act of all.

Final Thoughts From a Multicultural Couples Therapist

Emotions are not the enemy of strength—they are its foundation. They guide us to our needs, signal connection, and deepen trust. In relationships, emotional expression is not indulgent; it is essential. When we dare to drop the armor and speak from our hearts, we don’t just heal ourselves—we build love that can last.

At Kathy Kim Therapy, multicultural couples are supported in reconnecting and growing through emotionally focused, evidence-based therapy, which helps create greater connection, trust, and lasting transformation. Let’s take that first step together and schedule a consultation to get started.